Dancing with the Devil

 I lay across the couch comfortably under my thick warm blanket enjoying my favorite authors’ novel. Then the sound of an incoming text buzzing startles me from my engrossed reading. Gosh I was at a good part too. Not wanting to part with the book, I lazily reach for the cell phone lying on the floor, my eyes not leaving the fine print of the pages. I flip the phone with one hand and quickly glanced over to see who sent a message. I knew who it was. Damn me. I felt my face warming up as a cheesy grin formed on my face. I just could not help but smile at the cell phone like a complete idiot. Seriously Buddha, seriously…sigh. What do you expect me to pray to? God? I don’t doubt God. I do believe in spirits and the higher beings, but I’ll stay close to home. It’s the safest.

While my mind was elsewhere, my fingers worked on their own responding back. I couldn’t handle the rush of thoughts and emotions leaking all over me. I leaned back in the couch abandoning my book and gave a long sigh. Not just any kind of sigh; it was the kind that says oh shit, what did I put myself into? Gosh...what does he have on me, to affect me this much? I’m so jubilant over a damn text. Good god, like a high school girl. Damn it.

The phone buzzed again.

“…come tonight…”

My fingers worked on their own again defying my thoughts.

“Okay. See you then.”

Ah hell with it. I fumble to put my things away and bring whatever necessities I listed for the next day. Why I even bother to clean up my mess? It’s because you don’t leave shit around for people to pry into. It’s like saying ‘Hey! Hey! We’re open for business! Come! Come!’ Plus, you just don’t leave things around for the general public to blackmail you that goes into saying. Yeah I know, major paranoia. And why I list things, it’s for my scatter brain. I’d be at ease to know what I am up to for the next day. Organize the important tasks and we’ll have more time for other things if they fit into the schedule. Yeah I’m that type of girl. You fit your schedule with mine, not mine with yours. Don’t like it. Then it’s too fucking bad.

While setting things aside, my mind try to process what just happened. I cannot resist him. I cannot say no. I want to say no but I’ll be plain fucking lying, lying to myself all over again. My desires override all else. The intense need is just overwhelming; I want to be next to him. It is the kind of want which makes you more animalistic than human. As if the human senses can walk on their own two feet driving you forward. Do I want to say no? No. No I don’t. He feeds my needs and wants. I’d stop trying to deny them. The more you deny, the harder you fall. I don’t think I can handle the whiplashes of my denial. So I’ll give into the lesser shit of the two. I double checked every thing and headed out the door.

Once, I had hesitated leaving through that door. All the ‘what ifs’ would rushed behind my eyes, they’re the ‘what ifs’ that made me regret some things if I did not hesitated. Now, I didn’t care. I just don’t give a fuck about what people think of me. I left without doubt. He changed that hesitation in me. It’s a sudden rush of adrenaline of defiance breaking rules and barriers without regret or self-doubt. I’m more certain about my choices. I don’t know what he’s done to me. More so, what have I let him talk me into? I swear I never felt any better than this. It is the same feeling of being pull out of drowning water and your body knows it will be able to breathe again. Relief, that’s the word. God I can’t think around him, yet there I go driving off to see him. I’m screwed. Real screwed in the head.

I parked the car and sat there absorbing the heat of my anticipation. I felt I was running a fever. My pulse was speeding up with eagerness. I knew my eyes were burning with need. I do not understand this need.

“Damn it.” I cursed under my breath gripping the steering wheel. I couldn’t control the blood rush, its need to burst out of my skin. My hands were trembling as if the heat of my blood had turned to ice.

I felt sick to the stomach; the kind of sick which mixes nausea and exhilaration. God I was definitely going crazy. And I never even tried Mary J. Just damn great. My heart thrums beneath the skin of my chest like a buzzing bee. I needed air. Now! I couldn’t let my mind or what ever the fuck is going on fuck me up. I grabbed for the cell phone and sent a quick text.

“Here.”

I held on the cell one handed while the other hand snatched what I needed. I open the door for air. The cold night air hit me like the icy wind in a winter afternoon. It’s wonderful sensation. The air cooled my burning skin and silent the burning fire inside me. I felt relief and more control. I’ll behave. Focus…focus. The cell buzzed.

“Come.”

Yeah, it was always a same routine. I knew what he meant. I went for the front door waiting for him to open the door. I knew I didn’t get rid of the anticipation and eagerness. They were at the tip of the tongue like saliva ready to drip before you can slurp it back in. I felt the unsettledness in me, as though my anticipation had become a physical form. A physical form which grown hands and claws, pacing inside me ready to pounce out when I lose focus.

I heard the door unlatched. I took one deep sighing breath before facing him. God I was a nervous wreck. Get a grip! You stupid girl! My inner animal had settled itself; calming like a wild cat watching its prey move. There. From the corner of my eyes, the Devil, yes with a capital “D,” stood in the door way in boxers looking deliciously scrumptious. Just great, real great. Did I mention, topless too? Oh God. I am totally in deep shit.

I couldn’t help but steal glances from the corner of my eyes. Damn the Devil.

Yes...sometimes I contemplate why?

Why do I go to work? Why do I need money? Why do I use 8 hours of my life doing endless of paperwork? I know the answer, but it is not gratifying.

Why do I attend school/college? Why do I need a degree? Why do I use most my years toward school?

My thoughts...I need work to make money to get what I want - but the wants seem to be useless. I mean useless things that I do not need created by other humans. Sighs, well money can get me food. That's important. I have to go to work, because I live by society rules. I have to make a living to survive in this world ruled by society. Most of my hours given away to survive. It's about surviving. Then school, every thing seem to be taught by the book, most that I do not use in real life situations. It seems to me the person with "street" experiences/knowledge is better off than those with a degree.

In the end, it seems I am wasting time trying to fulfill others demands than my own.

A degree as a backup-it could be a BA, AA or what ever, but I think what's more important is learning how to survive this society. Learning how to deal with real life situations. Being happy with what you do and not having to wake up feeling empty.