Friday, 24 December 2010

  • The winter obscurity of the night

    Where do I set out in the winter obscurity of the night my lords? When I can not glimpse clarity as the day meets the hours of darkness. Every thing becomes a blurring vision of shapes and movements. My vision has faltered no longer able to guide. Lack of vision ultimately caused the avoidance of the shadows. For I would not dwell to hinder those surround me and bring unto harm due to lack of judgment. Not once have I forsaken my lords of their capability, though they apparently assume their absence has made me daring and unruly. No matter my refuting and reasoning they thus believe otherwise. Whose words and thoughts are most considered? Is it not your offspring or of a stranger? Faith and conviction are powerful apparatuses to change one’s course of action. A state of mind; to either allow words of others to dictate or not.

    Please enlighten, are the words of another human greatly influential to engrave my destiny to disaster? I express amusement at forebodings, for they are contemptuous. They are elaborated with ill intentions and warped in pessimistic ambiance. Do my lords believe such calamity will await me? I believe otherwise. For one state of mind can change negativity to positivity. I would not permit another to delineate my future. For he is not I. I am my own person; we create our own verdict. Rather than living forth an unforeseen future, shall we not live in the present of change? The future signifies endless possibilities and dreams. For the present is the molding of opportunities and vast promises.

    Please believe I do not disregard the world of old. More so, the world of old is not forgotten, but rather mold into one with the present. The old world has taught the present of self-discipline and to perceive the world beyond itself. Even so, we neglect to grasp the power of words through misplaced interpretations. We are the result of our own thoughts as Buddha has said. The belief of failure will result in failure. The belief of success will result in success no matter the trials and tribulations. The power of the mind is continuous. Did not the old world teach us such? When we become one with ourselves and appreciate our mind, body, and soul – every thing is infinitely possible.

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

  • Currently
    No Boys Allowed
    By Keri Hilson
    Pretty Girl Rock
    see related

    The superiority of self acceptance

    The past day was very eruditely inspiring. We all have different prior experiences. Most of them are due the expectations, the responsibilities, and the cultural norms in our lives. The position we hold in our family is the part of the becoming person we are today. Even so, there is a connection, a relation we can correlate with one another.

    “Appreciate those before you. Appreciate the shared insights of prior experiences. For thoughts are difficult to formulate into words.”

    Why? When we reach an age called adult, our youth begins to fade into the background?

    The society and cultural norms force us to put real selves in the black room; locked up in the darkness utterly invisible. We discard the simple happiness we have always obtained in our youth. Believing it’s not a necessary for our future. Yet, in truth we need such simple happiness. This simple happiness attained from a simple childhood drawing to a simple poem. Though simple, what lies beyond are the embedded feelings of each line. Each pencil stroke draws a different emotion and thought.

    Have we allowed the term “adult” to conquer our brightly “youthful” self? Our youthful self of endless inspirations, dreams, and goals are created; the belief in possibilities we never knew of. We make of the present and not worrying of the future. For the future is unforeseen.

    Have we allowed the future of “will be” take control of “I am”? Did we drown ourselves too much into the future and left the present to sail away in the abyss? Why do we keep telling ourselves we are “old” when we are only evolving with nature metamorphosis? Why as times goes by we absorb more of the negativity auras and block the positive possibilities?

    There’s comes a point, you must stop and rewind back and replay your youthful self. Not what have you done, but the youthful self in you. The capability you had. No, you have them inside of you. The only thing preventing such inspirations from arising is you. We have the potential to manipulate our mind; to control what we think, hear, see, taste, and feel. If we keep telling ourselves “we are old,” then our mind when send such message to our body. As I have said, it is a state of mind. It’s a matter of taking practice of controlling your mental thoughts.

    “All of we are is the result of what we have thought.” –Buddha

    Maybe this can’t be true, but have you tried to change your mind differently? Thinking optimistically about how life should be. Have you stop to perceive in the endless possibilities instead of limiting yourselves? Sometimes all it takes is a risk, an instinctual risk. Maybe I am not making sense. For myself, for instance, I was pessimistic to the point of suicidal in self loathe. Living in others standards and qualifications; never for myself. When you realize you are not living for you self, you’ll realize how much of the happiness you pass by. Some times, all it takes is a simple piece from childhood to remind you of the endless potential within yourself.

    Others words should hold no reference to who you are and the happiness you feel within. They are mere words to break you. The choice is yours to choose. These words will either destroy you or make you stronger, which will you choose?

    “All power is from within is therefore under our own control.” – Robert Collier

    In addition, to follow the heart and the mind alone does not always work. I thought about my entirety, our body knows what is bad and good for us. When we are ill, our body fights the bad viruses in our body. We cannot function without our senses, our heart and our mind. Then wouldn’t the matter is to be wholly connected with ones’ body and soul. Instinctively, our body knows what’s right for us. Trust your body to tell you if some thing is good for you or not. This is not only your body itself; it means your entirety – of soul, body, mind, and heart. If all is sync, then the answer is there. Such point in life is reachable. Once you learn to understand yourself, the happiness you suppressed will return. Don’t lose faith in yourself. You have such power; it is a matter of acceptance.

    “What this power is, I cannot say, all I know is that it exists.” –Alexander Graham Bell

Wednesday, 08 December 2010

  • Dancing with the Devil

    Okay this piece is about a year ago. *laughs* It's a bit shocking to me to be able to write in such detailed, to be able to formulate the characters emotions and thoughts into mere words.

    Written on Tuesday, ‎December ‎29, ‎2009

    Dancing with the Devil

     I lay across the couch comfortably under my thick warm blanket enjoying my favorite authors’ novel. Then the sound of an incoming text buzzing startles me from my engrossed reading. Gosh I was at a good part too. Not wanting to part with the book, I lazily reach for the cell phone lying on the floor, my eyes not leaving the fine print of the pages. I flip the phone with one hand and quickly glanced over to see who sent a message. I knew who it was. Damn me. I felt my face warming up as a cheesy grin formed on my face. I just could not help but smile at the cell phone like a complete idiot. Seriously Buddha, seriously…sigh. What do you expect me to pray to? God? I don’t doubt God. I do believe in spirits and the higher beings, but I’ll stay close to home. It’s the safest.

    While my mind was elsewhere, my fingers worked on their own responding back. I couldn’t handle the rush of thoughts and emotions leaking all over me. I leaned back in the couch abandoning my book and gave a long sigh. Not just any kind of sigh; it was the kind that says oh shit, what did I put myself into? Gosh...what does he have on me, to affect me this much? I’m so jubilant over a damn text. Good god, like a high school girl. Damn it.

    The phone buzzed again.

    “…come tonight…”

    My fingers worked on their own again defying my thoughts.

    “Okay. See you then.”

    Ah hell with it. I fumble to put my things away and bring whatever necessities I listed for the next day. Why I even bother to clean up my mess? It’s because you don’t leave shit around for people to pry into. It’s like saying ‘Hey! Hey! We’re open for business! Come! Come!’ Plus, you just don’t leave things around for the general public to blackmail you that goes into saying. Yeah I know, major paranoia. And why I list things, it’s for my scatter brain. I’d be at ease to know what I am up to for the next day. Organize the important tasks and we’ll have more time for other things if they fit into the schedule. Yeah I’m that type of girl. You fit your schedule with mine, not mine with yours. Don’t like it. Then it’s too fucking bad.

    While setting things aside, my mind try to process what just happened. I cannot resist him. I cannot say no. I want to say no but I’ll be plain fucking lying, lying to myself all over again. My desires override all else. The intense need is just overwhelming; I want to be next to him. It is the kind of want which makes you more animalistic than human. As if the human senses can walk on their own two feet driving you forward. Do I want to say no? No. No I don’t. He feeds my needs and wants. I’d stop trying to deny them. The more you deny, the harder you fall. I don’t think I can handle the whiplashes of my denial. So I’ll give into the lesser shit of the two. I double checked every thing and headed out the door.

    Once, I had hesitated leaving through that door. All the ‘what ifs’ would rushed behind my eyes, they’re the ‘what ifs’ that made me regret some things if I did not hesitated. Now, I didn’t care. I just don’t give a fuck about what people think of me. I left without doubt. He changed that hesitation in me. It’s a sudden rush of adrenaline of defiance breaking rules and barriers without regret or self-doubt. I’m more certain about my choices. I don’t know what he’s done to me. More so, what have I let him talk me into? I swear I never felt any better than this. It is the same feeling of being pull out of drowning water and your body knows it will be able to breathe again. Relief, that’s the word. God I can’t think around him, yet there I go driving off to see him. I’m screwed. Real screwed in the head.

    I parked the car and sat there absorbing the heat of my anticipation. I felt I was running a fever. My pulse was speeding up with eagerness. I knew my eyes were burning with need. I do not understand this need.

    “Damn it.” I cursed under my breath gripping the steering wheel. I couldn’t control the blood rush, its need to burst out of my skin. My hands were trembling as if the heat of my blood had turned to ice.

    I felt sick to the stomach; the kind of sick which mixes nausea and exhilaration. God I was definitely going crazy. And I never even tried Mary J. Just damn great. My heart thrums beneath the skin of my chest like a buzzing bee. I needed air. Now! I couldn’t let my mind or what ever the fuck is going on fuck me up. I grabbed for the cell phone and sent a quick text.

    “Here.”

    I held on the cell one handed while the other hand snatched what I needed. I open the door for air. The cold night air hit me like the icy wind in a winter afternoon. It’s wonderful sensation. The air cooled my burning skin and silent the burning fire inside me. I felt relief and more control. I’ll behave. Focus…focus. The cell buzzed.

    “Come.”

    Yeah, it was always a same routine. I knew what he meant. I went for the front door waiting for him to open the door. I knew I didn’t get rid of the anticipation and eagerness. They were at the tip of the tongue like saliva ready to drip before you can slurp it back in. I felt the unsettledness in me, as though my anticipation had become a physical form. A physical form which grown hands and claws, pacing inside me ready to pounce out when I lose focus.

    I heard the door unlatched. I took one deep sighing breath before facing him. God I was a nervous wreck. Get a grip! You stupid girl! My inner animal had settled itself; calming like a wild cat watching its prey move. There. From the corner of my eyes, the Devil, yes with a capital “D,” stood in the door way in boxers looking deliciously scrumptious. Just great, real great. Did I mention, topless too? Oh God. I am totally in deep shit.

    I couldn’t help but steal glances from the corner of my eyes. Damn the Devil.

    Note: Decided not to finish *laughs* My mind is fill with numerous of imaginative stories, creations, and thoughts.

Tuesday, 07 December 2010

  • An Antiquity Reverie

    Bored at work, I browsed through my past written work. Here is one of my writings.
    It was difficult trying to title this piece, if I recalled. happy
    Critique and criticism is welcomed. "Without criticism how can one improve oneself."

    Written on Thursday, ‎October ‎14, ‎2010.

    An Antiquity Reverie

     

    A quarter into my life, I pause to retrace my accomplishments. The main events prior to my pitfalls and achievements; I am there but then again not there. Half empty and half full, but I make the best of it. Through all the struggles and happenings I’ve found my happiness, my support, my love, and my drive to live. I am thankful for the wonderful people in my life—that I missed to account in my fight to live.

    I strayed from my acknowledged path I set for myself; my self as a successful affluent entrepreneur and a prominent fantasy writer. Importantly is to be happy and satisfied with what life has to offer.

     

    I have grown, learned, and experienced the happy and sad times. I can only accept life as it is and make it better. Life is a vehicle, but every one drives a different vehicle. Some has the same manufactures, same color, or same model, but we all have different VIN numbers. We all interpret, decide, and drive differently. I’ve made some right, left, and wrong turns but I found my way back to my set course. The way back was full of traffic and endurance, I will not falter. It took me a while, a couple of years to get onto the right paths. All those turns made me who I am, I do not regret. It will be a momentary glance at the right, left, and wrong turns; to acknowledge them then drive on roads that lead to an inspiring future.

    I felt invincible on the second road in life, I isolated myself from comrades. My goal was to complete college within 3-4 years, I succeeded the 1st year. Isolation made me yearn for socialization. I took a left turn without glancing over the map and lead myself off course. My early twenty self was naïve—acquaintances, the setback to the awaiting destination. My eyes on the road, though now and then reaching for my cell phone as I drove parallel to my mapped course; I had placed myself in a hazardous situation. All the socialization lead to a decision I cannot take back. I drove passed those whom supported me, picking up the passersby with no affiliation.

    Two years on strange roads lead me far away from my mapped destination. I no longer saw those roads—they appeared so distance, I secretly yearned for them. My pitfall—I pity my passenger without emotional attachment. My passenger became a victim to my sympathy. Lack of sentiment I dragged my victim along through numerous crashes; knowing the double edge sword has pierced us beyond, only awaiting the blood to seep through us both. Along the drive, home sick, picking up a kinship grown from love and trust drove me further down the hill. I contracted with a passerby and a kin. The roads ends, I scarred my victim from the inside out, while I became physically damaged and my lack of sensation evolved from stones into studier steel walls. I left my victim when the contract turned to dust; I drove through the waterless desert as one more hanging burden clung to my wheels. Slowing my travel to the path I set for myself. Back on roads again with my damaged vehicle seeking my mapped roads; the subsequent year lost and senseless.

     

    Glancing back on the road, I can exclaim “Damn that was one wicked ride!” Checking in the rear view mirror at my own reflection, all that’s happen has made me tougher and fiercer than the last. And, “Don’t I look good!”

     

    Revised 12/08/10 w/ Kimmy edits

    Note: I had revisions this a few times. I still feel it is imperfect in the English language.

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

  • Sometimes I wonder...

    Yes...sometimes I contemplate why?

    Why do I go to work? Why do I need money? Why do I use 8 hours of my life doing endless of paperwork? I know the answer, but it is not gratifying.

    Why do I attend school/college? Why do I need a degree? Why do I use most my years toward school?

    My thoughts...I need work to make money to get what I want - but the wants seem to be useless. I mean useless things that I do not need created by other humans. Sighs, well money can get me food. That's important. I have to go to work, because I live by society rules. I have to make a living to survive in this world ruled by society. Most of my hours given away to survive. It's about surviving. Then school, every thing seem to be taught by the book, most that I do not use in real life situations. It seems to me the person with "street" experiences/knowledge is better off than those with a degree.

    In the end, it seems I am wasting time trying to fulfill others demands than my own.

    A degree as a backup-it could be a BA, AA or what ever, but I think what's more important is learning how to survive this society. Learning how to deal with real life situations. Being happy with what you do and not having to wake up feeling empty.

Monday, 19 July 2010

  • Why?! Just why?!

    Why?! I scream in frustration. Why is it that you do not understand? The suffocation. The pain of not given options to live my life. Why is it when I tried to please every thing that is wanted - the path just keeps getting shorter?

    I just want to be away from chaos that does belongs to us. We live on the edge. Not knowing when the day will come when we'll have to leave. Not connected by any means.

    Why is it you doubt us? Don't you know it hurts when you're trying your best to live. All you get in return is "you don't understand" and "you do not care about us." We are giving our every breath to give what we can. I just can't believe you doubt us? It hurts...this pain it hurts. I'm never enough. I am not worthy enough.

    You assume and assume only to make y[our] lives miserable. Why can't you see we are trying? Is it that we're not trying hard enough? Or must it we need to shed our blood and flesh for it to happen? I don't know no more.

    I'm tired. I can't give more. I given almost every thing. I want this last piece of me. I want to be able to dream.
    "I want to care for someone. I want to love someone, and not be afraid to."-[Rachel Morgan of *Kim Harrison*] But to truly care for someone for the first time. To truly love someone for the first time and not be afraid of being hurt. I want to be able say I did gave my all to someone even if it did hurt. I want to let my guard down. I want to taste bittersweet of belonging to someone. I want to be happy. I want to know what is happiness. Not be obligated by blood. Is that hard to ask for?

    So why? Why must these eyes shed tears that pierces the soul in pieces?

Monday, 05 July 2010

  • Entity as a façade of one conscience

    I oft wonder about those who believe in entities or the deities in the other realm or other worldly. There's a creed to follow for each entity-rules and laws. The wrong and the right. Yet, people breaks these rules and laws. Why believe in entities and dieties if you are only using them as a facade to your conscience and doings?

    They know what they have done is wrong accordingly to their "divine spirit" then why do they continued to do it?
    Then only to state "Oh, forgive me for I have sin." It's ironic.
    Why do they keep repeating such same "sin" or "doings" when they doth knows its not to their creed?
    They masked their wrongs with the face of their "divine spirit".

    It's utterly unbelievable.

    You whom says you believe in such 'deity' or 'divine spirit' why is it you continue to act differ to your beliefs and to only come back to beg for forgiveness?
    You use the lives that is loss as a facade to your heinous acts. Did you ever realize you are not the only one whom loss some one in their life?
    Are you telling me that you're ONLY now being stronger because their lives were given up?
    Where does this logic comes from?
    What you did and done does not have nothing to do with the lives loss.
    What right did you have to disgrace another person? Just because you loss some one important in your life, does not give you such right? More so, how can you face them in the other world knowing you have disrespected another soul? Just because of your demise and emotions?

    As a human to another human - you are despicable to facade and weave your manipulation with "deities" and those lives whom loss to us.


ReiOjouSama

  • Visit ReiOjouSama's Xanga Site
    • Name: Rei
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 9/18/2008

Subscriptions

Archives

Don't worry - your calendar is here… to see it in action just click "Save" above and refresh the page.

About Me

  • I'm very frank, out-going, and very boyish-girl. I like meeting new people and becoming friends, as long as you do not have any ulterior motives towards me - I won't despise you. I love anime, maplestory, and have multiple interests. my page: http://www.myspace.com/reiojousama

Profile Info

  • Nicknames: Rei
  • Nationality: Chinese-Angkor ThaiE'san
  • Religion: Buddhist teachings, sayings, open-minded to many philosophies, Confucianism, Taoism, etc ^^
  • Heroes: My parents, Elder Sister
  • Interests: Anime, Manga, Business, recreation, collectibles, cars, tech specs, computers, and Asian culture settings, international music, dancing, singing, meeting new people, trying new things, developing a business relationship, learning new languages, hanging out, getting to know more people with similar interests, card collecting, animation, abstract art, garden, flowers, rare plants, healing plants, rare items, gaming, PS2, PS3, Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS, Maplestory, Sleep, Final Fantasy VII, Chinese drama, Japanese drama, Mandarin music, Jpop, Cpop, writing fictional stories based on dreams, play with puppies, drawing, beading, wiring jewelry, money, work, tech gadgets
  • Expertise: Computers Applications, Internet, School
  • Occupation: Student Intern/ Anime Finantic

Pulse