2009.26.06

I do not agree but I stay silent. There is no use in argument with the Loved Ones. I am already a liar in their eyes because I hold my secrets to myself. There is no use in trying to fight back when your opinion and answers means nothing. I am being dragged up on my feet and knock back down again, over and over. I adore and respect them, but I know there will be a day when I pull back and disappear into the shadows; no longer existing in their world.

I am trapped in the white empty room for residency. There is light, but it does not bring hope. I am confine in this space without color. No color of life. I am weary of all the words being placed upon me of who I should be. I am more doubted by than believed. Why can I not choose the way I live my life? To be imprisoned and asked why I do not seek to better myself. I laugh, because those words and actions are contradicting. All humans’ life differs from one to the next. My journey in life differs from other. Please understand this and end my comparison to others. Is it worth caring about the words of others as it kills me silently?

I feel as though I should not have existed. At times I believe being a silhouette in the background is better than being an existing figure in the foreground. No one would bother you because you are not visible. Then again, I cannot be the shadow because I am tied to relations. These relations will be the cause of my dead soul. Each guilt strike upon me is a whiplash to my soul. Where I cannot scream or feel the pain no more. I am stuck between the ideal and real world. Not being able to enter neither world, walking the border between both worlds in empty sorrows.

Amaya Kaida
(lost within herself)

What is it am I seeking? When I think about it, I will be a fool for stepping over the line I’ve created for myself. If I did step over the line, I will only hurt myself falling between heaven and hell. I am just another girl and he is just another guy in this partial world. Every thing done is just a physical satisfaction and a void to fill the empty space within ourselves. I will not allow myself weaken by human emotions. It will only hinder the purpose of my sole existence. I will keep telling my selves this is all temporary between a male and female. Do not cross the line.

I will admit. I am attracted to person for unknown reasons. There are many men out there I can choose from, but I have chosen him. My reason: my attraction to him. He is just another man, but I am drawn to him. He is like a drug to my chaos. I feel at ease, calm, and relax when I am near him or in his quarters. I do not have to be on alert. If you ask me do I feel gratification? My answer: yes. It is a lingering feeling.  It is not long term. Do I enjoy it? I neither hate nor love it. If you ask, what do you gain from this? The ability to FEEL and REACT through my senses and know I am not just another shadow. Through my every day walk in life – I am just another entity; another shadow in a crowd.

I am heartless. Why do I say? I am heartless to myself. I can be kind to others – it can be endless. For myself, I deny such kindness to venture into the depths of my soul. I do not deserve such affection upon myself. I am cold as the winter ice on snow top mountains. Not even the blazing sun heat can melt the thick solid ice that has frozen my heart. Kindness – the most wonderful and cruel thing exist. Depends upon how the user utilize this "kindness" to their advantage. Kindness can bring peace, unity, and make a bond tighter than a blade can slice through. Then again, it can turn into a sharp blade slicing through a person soul bit by bit into pieces.

If I dare let my guard down entirely would things change… for better or worst?

Don’t you think it’s a bit strange? You once told me you wanted to be love and feel the pain that comes with it, but you’re sheltering yourself. You’re not even allowing yourself to even try. It’s like there is an invisible barrier you are holding up. I’ve thought about it - having me around you doesn’t seem to make sense. How can you experience such thing…? Then again, I do not understand.

Then again, I want to know the feeling of happiness, but I’m not even taking a step to cross the barrier I’ve put up. I am afraid of it. What if it’s an illusion? What if every thing isn’t what the eyes see? What if the feelings are just what my mind is telling me to feel? Even so, a deep part of me wants to know it’s not that bad to be embrace by some one.

I am just finding reasons for myself.
Ha-ha you are so stupid. Why do you keep justifying?
I do not know why I do it. It’s pathetic.
You don’t want to see the truth of it all. Afraid. Fear. It’s every thing you know it to be.
I’m lying to myself. I continue. Such repetition shall not be repeated. You know what I am speaking of.
The past life is the past life. The future is what you make of it.
Really… do you really believe it so, they are connected, and you have to freaking twist it in a way so it will not repeat again.
Oh my gosh. I know that! I am talking about don’t keep thinking about what is being repeated. You should think of the many possibilities for you; your future. Do you understand?
I cannot accept the things within my self – my mind, soul, and heart. Which of them are real? Which of them are lies? Then again you are right, the possibilities are endless. An endless, a person will go berserk from trying to decipher between the lies and truth.
The human mind is cruel isn’t it? Then there are the morals and values. They are instilled in you since you were a child; the way to live life.
It’s so cruel to the point which I sometimes want to just stop feeling, thinking, hearing, touching, and seeing.

A faint glistening rock
Once
In the distant vast sky
Cloaked by night
A silhouette behind the clouds
The clouds, they changed
Opening its gray curtains
Divulging the charming
Bright luminary
Eyes turn to see
Hands reaching for HER

Why…
Why do they gaze my way now?
When I am radiant
Why…
Why did they pass me then?
When I was cloaked in darkness

Their hands
False deception
Reaching out to me
Such façade
Is a pity
I do not want them
Leave me be

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I walk in the darkness night wandering aimlessly. I no longer understand why is it I do the things I do. The choices I make. Why must you go? What is it you want? No one seems to understand my doings. Nor do I understand myself. I silence my thoughts around people. They do not need to know. My feelings, my thoughts, and who I am. I continue to walk in silence. A striking pain fills my chest crawling toward my throat. It stops. Strike my throat. I feel as though an invisible painful barrier taken over preventing me to mouth words. I open my mouth to voice words, but not a sound. My throat parches, my chest swells, and all I can do is put my happy face mask for all unseen eyes. Their eyes crave to know – I will not allow such eyes to pierce through me. My eyes search for a place to hide. My eyes, the doors to my soul; I cannot allow any one to cross the threshold. It is a part of me I’ve kept hidden for years. My facial expression I mask, but my eyes I cannot. I am not scared, but then maybe I am afraid. Fearing another will able to decipher the façade I’ve put up. Not my mind I fear for. You cannot penetrate my mind. My soul, I fear most for because my soul is who I am. I beg my mind and soul to not shed a tear. Such weakness shall not be seen. Do not tear. No matter the pain. You must force it down. No one can be trusted. None. This world is ironic. For truth it clamors, but false we live in. When will truth prevails? Can I ever be complete? In such a world? Can I ever come to accept my very own existence?

---

I always try to be stronger; although I fully know within I am the weakest. For my family I will become stronger. I cannot see my self become the one leaning on another. Is it a pride? For me to be the way I am? It is embedded in me; self-determination. This independence, this self-reliance; will be the end of me. Or will it not? At this moment, as I continue to compose my thoughts. My hands, they tremble in terror. Terror is deteriorating me; eating me from within. I cannot be complete... Or is it because I believe I will not be complete, and then I will not? How I “think,” does it affect my inner self? Complications from beginning to end, my inner self, as much I’ve desire to change it. Life does not play my way. Is there no hope? Is there a way? My mind is intertwined with mystery emitting an aura of mixture insignia. I do not intend to be that of obstructions, but I am bind. Bind by relations.