Friday, 26 June 2009

  • A white room without color

    2009.26.06

    I do not agree but I stay silent. There is no use in argument with the Loved Ones. I am already a liar in their eyes because I hold my secrets to myself. There is no use in trying to fight back when your opinion and answers means nothing. I am being dragged up on my feet and knock back down again, over and over. I adore and respect them, but I know there will be a day when I pull back and disappear into the shadows; no longer existing in their world.

    I am trapped in the white empty room for residency. There is light, but it does not bring hope. I am confine in this space without color. No color of life. I am weary of all the words being placed upon me of who I should be. I am more doubted by than believed. Why can I not choose the way I live my life? To be imprisoned and asked why I do not seek to better myself. I laugh, because those words and actions are contradicting. All humans’ life differs from one to the next. My journey in life differs from other. Please understand this and end my comparison to others. Is it worth caring about the words of others as it kills me silently?

    I feel as though I should not have existed. At times I believe being a silhouette in the background is better than being an existing figure in the foreground. No one would bother you because you are not visible. Then again, I cannot be the shadow because I am tied to relations. These relations will be the cause of my dead soul. Each guilt strike upon me is a whiplash to my soul. Where I cannot scream or feel the pain no more. I am stuck between the ideal and real world. Not being able to enter neither world, walking the border between both worlds in empty sorrows.


Wednesday, 24 June 2009

  • The Threshold

    2009.24.06

    I want to step over the threshold to seek happiness, but every time I try; the people I care for alter my thoughts. I revert to chaining my heart to not feel. These chains they weigh my heart down. It is unbearable, becoming harder to breathe. I hold these pains within myself. I smile, but an empty smile. Now and then, I would stare up the distance vast skies – asking the heavenly beings above me. Am I not allowed to seek happiness my soul desire? My eyes are always lost in the mist of foggy thoughts. The light of hope of maybe, jus maybe I will be able to feel happiness is. The light flickers softly almost absorb by the darkness. Maybe I am not given in this life to feel happiness. I walk forward as an empty shell. My life does not belong to me. Or is it I do not allow it to be mine? It is as if I am standing on the edge of a cliff looking down on the inviting fluffy clouds. I want to jump, but I turn around to only be overwhelmed by the desperation hope of those I adore. I feel as though I am breaking up like a bad reception; fading into the darkness.

Tuesday, 09 June 2009

  • Questions to Answers

    Amaya Kaida
    (lost within herself)

    What is it am I seeking? When I think about it, I will be a fool for stepping over the line I’ve created for myself. If I did step over the line, I will only hurt myself falling between heaven and hell. I am just another girl and he is just another guy in this partial world. Every thing done is just a physical satisfaction and a void to fill the empty space within ourselves. I will not allow myself weaken by human emotions. It will only hinder the purpose of my sole existence. I will keep telling my selves this is all temporary between a male and female. Do not cross the line.

    I will admit. I am attracted to person for unknown reasons. There are many men out there I can choose from, but I have chosen him. My reason: my attraction to him. He is just another man, but I am drawn to him. He is like a drug to my chaos. I feel at ease, calm, and relax when I am near him or in his quarters. I do not have to be on alert. If you ask me do I feel gratification? My answer: yes. It is a lingering feeling.  It is not long term. Do I enjoy it? I neither hate nor love it. If you ask, what do you gain from this? The ability to FEEL and REACT through my senses and know I am not just another shadow. Through my every day walk in life – I am just another entity; another shadow in a crowd.

    I am heartless. Why do I say? I am heartless to myself. I can be kind to others – it can be endless. For myself, I deny such kindness to venture into the depths of my soul. I do not deserve such affection upon myself. I am cold as the winter ice on snow top mountains. Not even the blazing sun heat can melt the thick solid ice that has frozen my heart. Kindness – the most wonderful and cruel thing exist. Depends upon how the user utilize this "kindness" to their advantage. Kindness can bring peace, unity, and make a bond tighter than a blade can slice through. Then again, it can turn into a sharp blade slicing through a person soul bit by bit into pieces.

    If I dare let my guard down entirely would things change… for better or worst?


Monday, 08 June 2009

  • Illusion

    Every thing was an illusion to begin
    From beginning to end
    The mind painted an illusion of happiness
    Such does not exist
    In reality
    Can never be trusted
    None
    Take what it wants
    Tarnish the body
    May have the body
    But not the
    Pride
    Heart
    Nor soul
    Why the soul
    Never learn
    Just to become another’ toy
    Toys.
    Always replaceable
    Once
    No longer interested
    Just toss
    Aside

    See the ending to see the beginning…


Sunday, 07 June 2009

  • The Feeling

    Don’t you think it’s a bit strange? You once told me you wanted to be love and feel the pain that comes with it, but you’re sheltering yourself. You’re not even allowing yourself to even try. It’s like there is an invisible barrier you are holding up. I’ve thought about it - having me around you doesn’t seem to make sense. How can you experience such thing…? Then again, I do not understand.

    Then again, I want to know the feeling of happiness, but I’m not even taking a step to cross the barrier I’ve put up. I am afraid of it. What if it’s an illusion? What if every thing isn’t what the eyes see? What if the feelings are just what my mind is telling me to feel? Even so, a deep part of me wants to know it’s not that bad to be embrace by some one.

    I am just finding reasons for myself.
    Ha-ha you are so stupid. Why do you keep justifying?
    I do not know why I do it. It’s pathetic.
    You don’t want to see the truth of it all. Afraid. Fear. It’s every thing you know it to be.
    I’m lying to myself. I continue. Such repetition shall not be repeated. You know what I am speaking of.
    The past life is the past life. The future is what you make of it.
    Really… do you really believe it so, they are connected, and you have to freaking twist it in a way so it will not repeat again.
    Oh my gosh. I know that! I am talking about don’t keep thinking about what is being repeated. You should think of the many possibilities for you; your future. Do you understand?
    I cannot accept the things within my self – my mind, soul, and heart. Which of them are real? Which of them are lies? Then again you are right, the possibilities are endless. An endless, a person will go berserk from trying to decipher between the lies and truth.
    The human mind is cruel isn’t it? Then there are the morals and values. They are instilled in you since you were a child; the way to live life.
    It’s so cruel to the point which I sometimes want to just stop feeling, thinking, hearing, touching, and seeing.


Wednesday, 06 May 2009

  • Endless Internal Battle

    Amaya Kaida / Lena Kaida
    Internal Battle

    She sat there with a long face, her mind wandering off in the midst of her thoughts.

    I am so devious. Hehe…
    No, It should not be this way.
    Why not?! You are evil as much as I am. Do not deny you are NOT.
    I am NOT!
    Yeah right, you know how manipulative you are. It’s a thrill to have such influence.
    NO! I do not want to manipulate people!
    Stop denying! You know you love the control you have over others. You love the gleaming eyes upon you...
    I do not! I was not raise to become maliciously controlling. I won’t deny that I do appreciate the attention, but this! This way draws the wrong attentions!
    There you go again. You let the rules, the way you raise to overrule what you’ve become. Of course, it will draw the bad ones but you have to take control over it stupid.
    I just do not want such ability. It was not my intentions…
    What can you do? The intentions are there! We’ve become as such. Tell me what are you going to do? Nothing, you will do nothing, right? You will say I don't know. That is so you.
    I do not know… I despise myself...
    You keep loathing yourself! How can we become complete?!
    I DON’T KNOW!
    YOU DO KNOW! WHY DO YOU DO THIS? WHY CAN YOU NOT ACCEPT US! WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?
    I cannot accept myself. Enchanting people… although I thought I ‘treated others the way I would like to be treated’.
    Yeah! You are following such rule. You are not enchanting them. It's inspiring okay or persuasion. The golden rule works both bad and good. You should know that. Heh’
    Me? Inspiring? Hah’ I am not… How can I be? I feel it is not me…I am all wrong…
    Would you shut the F'up?! You always see the negativity of yourself?! The bad! Always!
    I do not want to see the bad?! I just see it as such. When I am being sincere… You, me, come out and twist it other wise.
    I cannot help it if I see such opportunity for the best of us. Do you think you, yourself can fend people evil intentions. I think not.
    I do not feel right about it…taking advantage... I admit yes I succumb to you… I do not want trouble I cannot handle them.
    Hehe isn’t that nice. So then embrace this ability as one of yours.
    No! You'll take advantage of this body. You maneuver the body, words, and eyes for your own needs.
    Why not?! You are using it already! You have it! Might as well use it. I know you have your morals, values, and code. Heh’ sometimes you HAVE to do things to get your ways. Likewise, fate can be altering if you work around it. Get it?
    It’s wrong to use it as otherwise. Yet I succumb to your ways. It was never meant harm any one. I know fate can be altering, but should be done righteously with determination.
    Stop it. Some things cannot be righteously done. Even so, I am stronger thus why you let me overtake you. You don’t want harm, but you love the power. You know it. Stop trying to persuade yourself otherwise. You’re lying to yourself. I’ll be frank. The world isn’t as so.
    I… yes, but I still strongly feel it is not right?!
    Stupid girl! I am a part of you which YOU cannot deny?! What is done is done! Get over it!
    I am! Trying…Giving my best that is. Why is it when I tell others how I see of myself, they only see the positive aspects; as quality traits worth having. It is not!
    You shouldn’t speak much to others; you will bring harm to all of us. Only some one with keen eyes will be able to see deep within us…IT IS WORTH IT! You're the idiot who does know it and keep denying it! You moron!
    I... I feel like a venomous spider; weaving threads unintentionally entrapping those in my way. Enthralling them and holding them captive by my personas. They become fascinated by me, but I do not feel the same toward them. I know, I will be entrapped by my own web…becoming the infatuated one. I fear such happening. The trapper entrapped by its trap.
    Hmm…well it’s not like we’ve done so purposely. It's our characteristic. Why deny it? It'll only make you crumble into shatter pieces. If you keep denying...one day it'll take us all down...
    I want to be whole with you and the others ... it's a battle I will overcome...
    I pray this battle to be a victorious one...

    She glances away from her thoughts examining her surroundings painting a smile for those passing her way. "I will definitely overcome this...," she whispers softly to herself to satisfy her miserable thoughts.


Monday, 04 May 2009

  • Changed, Existence, and Determination

    A faint glistening rock
    Once
    In the distant vast sky
    Cloaked by night
    A silhouette behind the clouds
    The clouds, they changed
    Opening its gray curtains
    Divulging the charming
    Bright luminary
    Eyes turn to see
    Hands reaching for HER

    Why…
    Why do they gaze my way now?
    When I am radiant
    Why…
    Why did they pass me then?
    When I was cloaked in darkness

    Their hands
    False deception
    Reaching out to me
    Such façade
    Is a pity
    I do not want them
    Leave me be



    I walk in the darkness night wandering aimlessly. I no longer understand why is it I do the things I do. The choices I make. Why must you go? What is it you want? No one seems to understand my doings. Nor do I understand myself. I silence my thoughts around people. They do not need to know. My feelings, my thoughts, and who I am. I continue to walk in silence. A striking pain fills my chest crawling toward my throat. It stops. Strike my throat. I feel as though an invisible painful barrier taken over preventing me to mouth words. I open my mouth to voice words, but not a sound. My throat parches, my chest swells, and all I can do is put my happy face mask for all unseen eyes. Their eyes crave to know – I will not allow such eyes to pierce through me. My eyes search for a place to hide. My eyes, the doors to my soul; I cannot allow any one to cross the threshold. It is a part of me I’ve kept hidden for years. My facial expression I mask, but my eyes I cannot. I am not scared, but then maybe I am afraid. Fearing another will able to decipher the façade I’ve put up. Not my mind I fear for. You cannot penetrate my mind. My soul, I fear most for because my soul is who I am. I beg my mind and soul to not shed a tear. Such weakness shall not be seen. Do not tear. No matter the pain. You must force it down. No one can be trusted. None. This world is ironic. For truth it clamors, but false we live in. When will truth prevails? Can I ever be complete? In such a world? Can I ever come to accept my very own existence?



    I always try to be stronger; although I fully know within I am the weakest. For my family I will become stronger. I cannot see my self become the one leaning on another. Is it a pride? For me to be the way I am? It is embedded in me; self-determination. This independence, this self-reliance; will be the end of me. Or will it not? At this moment, as I continue to compose my thoughts. My hands, they tremble in terror. Terror is deteriorating me; eating me from within. I cannot be complete... Or is it because I believe I will not be complete, and then I will not? How I “think,” does it affect my inner self? Complications from beginning to end, my inner self, as much I’ve desire to change it. Life does not play my way. Is there no hope? Is there a way? My mind is intertwined with mystery emitting an aura of mixture insignia. I do not intend to be that of obstructions, but I am bind. Bind by relations.


ReiOjouSama

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    • Name: Rei
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 9/18/2008

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About Me

  • I'm very frank, out-going, and very boyish-girl. I like meeting new people and becoming friends, as long as you do not have any ulterior motives towards me - I won't despise you. I love anime, maplestory, and have multiple interests. my page: http://www.myspace.com/reiojousama

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  • Nicknames: Rei
  • Nationality: Chinese-Angkor ThaiE'san
  • Religion: Buddhist teachings, sayings, open-minded to many philosophies, Confucianism, Taoism, etc ^^
  • Heroes: My parents, Elder Sister
  • Interests: Anime, Manga, Business, recreation, collectibles, cars, tech specs, computers, and Asian culture settings, international music, dancing, singing, meeting new people, trying new things, developing a business relationship, learning new languages, hanging out, getting to know more people with similar interests, card collecting, animation, abstract art, garden, flowers, rare plants, healing plants, rare items, gaming, PS2, PS3, Nintendo Wii, Nintendo DS, Maplestory, Sleep, Final Fantasy VII, Chinese drama, Japanese drama, Mandarin music, Jpop, Cpop, writing fictional stories based on dreams, play with puppies, drawing, beading, wiring jewelry, money, work, tech gadgets
  • Expertise: Computers Applications, Internet, School
  • Occupation: Student Intern/ Anime Finantic

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